Sunday, March 1, 2009

Yesterday and Today

To say that my family life was difficult growing up is probably quite an understatement. My parents fought like the proverbial cat and dog and did not seem to care when little ears were right there listening. Many issues during childhood made me feel terribly insecure and anxious...

My father has never been an easy person to please. Everything was questioned, nothing was ever good enough. The biggest problem with this is that it is still happening today. It extends from the simple things like when I make a meal that is beyond the usual, I hear, "Well, I have had worse" all the way to, "You should have done this long before now" when I had worked my a$$ off and graduated in 2007 just 4 months after having Ava. Several months back, I decided to apply for the nursing program at school because I just did not know what to do next. There were over 500 applicants to the program. The day I received my acceptance letter I felt so proud that I was one of the chosen students out of so many. Never did I hear a word of congratulations from my father. What I did hear was, "forget about that, why can't you go to medical school. You are not getting any younger".

The truth is, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be a nurse. I just have struggled with what I should be doing and I chose to apply to the program. It is no wonder that I struggle with such indecisiveness in nearly every predicament that comes my way, even seemingly simple ones. It is diffult to choose where to eat because it might not go well and I will be to blame. How can I make big decisions like what I should do with my life?

I don't want to be like my parents. My life is bound up by anxiety, confusion and chaos. I don't want this for my children. I want to be my kid's greatest cheerleader in life, their support, a boundless source of love. I am so tired of my self worth being measured by my success on unjust scales of other's judgements.

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